Thursday, April 1, 2010
Friday, September 18, 2009
What People Say
I have noticed that the one thing that someone tells you when they are mad at you is, "well, people say about you (insert fault here)" I have kept many "well, people say about you's" to myself in the last six month to more than one person. I have noticed more and more that this is what is sticking to me, what I am up at four am thinking about, my reason for no longer calling so many people, for closing myself off so much. I have written at least five of these and never posted, because I have wondered if it is one of those people who will read it.
I know it shouldn't bother me.
But you see, I lost everything. I left with what I came with. things from childhood, and grandparents, things I hadn't unpacked in years, deposited money in his bank account to get him to his next check, and the couch. I did this so I wouldn't have to hear how dare I take too much. But, I have heard. I still hear from Cole how I stole his Daddy's couch and now I hear from Cole how I stole the house from him too. I hear about all the people that saw, and never told me for so long. And then, I lost people who used to be family and friends.
I have heard I am happy too soon (how dare I) But I am, not going to say sorry for that, and yes, I am happy with Jeff, so (gasp!) They see me in a relationship (too soon)
And then I hear how I should be 100% over the betrayals of years, yes, years. And the continual insult of paying for the needs of a child that I did not bring into this world by myself, or the bills that I did not create myself because he says he has no money to help. At the same time he stands on my poarch 3 hours late after another night with some girl from craigslist, and in a new hat and shoes listening to a new CD and telling Cole about his surfing trip. But, hush Jessie. Get over it.
You see, I don't know who to trust. I'm not sure I remember how to sometimes. I have heard so many lies about myself, and some truths that have all been intended to hurt. And they have been spread thick for effectiveness. All of this while I felt the most raw and vulnerable I hope I ever will endure.
People I used to count as friends? People who used to be my family? Someone I see in town? I don't know.
So, if I am not talking too much, that may be why. I might be a little scared sometimes, because I can't be perfect.
I know it shouldn't bother me.
But you see, I lost everything. I left with what I came with. things from childhood, and grandparents, things I hadn't unpacked in years, deposited money in his bank account to get him to his next check, and the couch. I did this so I wouldn't have to hear how dare I take too much. But, I have heard. I still hear from Cole how I stole his Daddy's couch and now I hear from Cole how I stole the house from him too. I hear about all the people that saw, and never told me for so long. And then, I lost people who used to be family and friends.
I have heard I am happy too soon (how dare I) But I am, not going to say sorry for that, and yes, I am happy with Jeff, so (gasp!) They see me in a relationship (too soon)
And then I hear how I should be 100% over the betrayals of years, yes, years. And the continual insult of paying for the needs of a child that I did not bring into this world by myself, or the bills that I did not create myself because he says he has no money to help. At the same time he stands on my poarch 3 hours late after another night with some girl from craigslist, and in a new hat and shoes listening to a new CD and telling Cole about his surfing trip. But, hush Jessie. Get over it.
You see, I don't know who to trust. I'm not sure I remember how to sometimes. I have heard so many lies about myself, and some truths that have all been intended to hurt. And they have been spread thick for effectiveness. All of this while I felt the most raw and vulnerable I hope I ever will endure.
People I used to count as friends? People who used to be my family? Someone I see in town? I don't know.
So, if I am not talking too much, that may be why. I might be a little scared sometimes, because I can't be perfect.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Lessons
At times the lessons you learn are so defined, harsh, you do take note and not just react to them. I am learning a few. Here are some of them:
1) Once two parents are no longer together, everything that goes wrong with the child, no matter how subtle, is automatically blamed on the opposite parent. Even the “normal” kid things that every parent/ parents would have to work through otherwise. However it is a huge cop-out to pass blame to the other parents influence.
2) Sex has amazing destructive abilities.
3) Narcissists will never admit wrong doing. It’s the nature of the beast.
4) Someone who married you can take advantage and manipulate you ruthlessly.
5) Its just money.
6) Dirty little party sluts will always be, so please don’t give your girls Daddy issues early on, they go on to, well you know. Thanks Lisa Mahaffee. ( And yes, I will continue repeating her name and still wish her all the worst. What kind of person hangs out with you and your kid one weekend and F’s your husband in the next room the next. I’m sure Dante described a location for you in his book.)
7) Bitterness isn’t always there, but it creeps in and stings harshly and then leaves again for a while.
8) How much people lie, without remorse.
9) Sometimes people show up in your, and save you (white horse, Prince Charming, flowers at work, hold you when you cry, friends and family think you have deserved this good for a long time and don’t care about the timing) style. (Thanks Jeff!)
10) Never spoil your children; they will expect the same of their spouses.
11)I am the girl in the relationship, so why the hell did I get the “if you hadn’t been working so much, I wouldn’t have cheated on you because you would have been spending more time with me” So, the lesson, fall in love with someone who values hard work, not resents it.
12) Pick your child’s father well; someday you too could be paying him child support.
13) When you don’t have enough money to feed your child, no worries, just go get a tattoo to remind you how much you love him, and then a new 8GIG Nano IPod to drown out the guilt and it will be ok.
15)It should take as much time and money to marry as to divorce, it would leave so much less room for the, “I would have told you before we got married about that prostate but you would have left me”
16) Never marry the guy your Dad says “please tell me you aren’t hanging around him” the first time he meets him or the one his parents say “you are the only thing that keeps him in line” You can only “keep someone in line", for so long. Free will prevails.
17) True happiness, and long marriages are so valued and celebrated, because they are rare.
1) Once two parents are no longer together, everything that goes wrong with the child, no matter how subtle, is automatically blamed on the opposite parent. Even the “normal” kid things that every parent/ parents would have to work through otherwise. However it is a huge cop-out to pass blame to the other parents influence.
2) Sex has amazing destructive abilities.
3) Narcissists will never admit wrong doing. It’s the nature of the beast.
4) Someone who married you can take advantage and manipulate you ruthlessly.
5) Its just money.
6) Dirty little party sluts will always be, so please don’t give your girls Daddy issues early on, they go on to, well you know. Thanks Lisa Mahaffee. ( And yes, I will continue repeating her name and still wish her all the worst. What kind of person hangs out with you and your kid one weekend and F’s your husband in the next room the next. I’m sure Dante described a location for you in his book.)
7) Bitterness isn’t always there, but it creeps in and stings harshly and then leaves again for a while.
8) How much people lie, without remorse.
9) Sometimes people show up in your, and save you (white horse, Prince Charming, flowers at work, hold you when you cry, friends and family think you have deserved this good for a long time and don’t care about the timing) style. (Thanks Jeff!)
10) Never spoil your children; they will expect the same of their spouses.
11)I am the girl in the relationship, so why the hell did I get the “if you hadn’t been working so much, I wouldn’t have cheated on you because you would have been spending more time with me” So, the lesson, fall in love with someone who values hard work, not resents it.
12) Pick your child’s father well; someday you too could be paying him child support.
13) When you don’t have enough money to feed your child, no worries, just go get a tattoo to remind you how much you love him, and then a new 8GIG Nano IPod to drown out the guilt and it will be ok.
15)It should take as much time and money to marry as to divorce, it would leave so much less room for the, “I would have told you before we got married about that prostate but you would have left me”
16) Never marry the guy your Dad says “please tell me you aren’t hanging around him” the first time he meets him or the one his parents say “you are the only thing that keeps him in line” You can only “keep someone in line", for so long. Free will prevails.
17) True happiness, and long marriages are so valued and celebrated, because they are rare.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Photos
So, I sware I will write something later! But for now, you get my favorite photos and an intro to Jeff and Clayton. 
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Friends
"It is not so much our friends' help that helps us, as the confidence of their help."
- Epicurus
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."
- Henri Nouwen
"The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?"
-Eugene Kennedy
I have always believed that things happen for a reason.
That people fall into your life for a reason, sometimes stay for a few minutes, years or a life time and are exactly what you need at the moment.
Those are the people that shape you. Those are the people to be thankful for. They are miraculous blessings.
They know just when you will need so many things; Ben & Jerry's at midnight, song lyric that fit how you feel that day, a quote that makes you laugh, a note on your desk, a card in the mail, an email sent at 1am, a sit on your tail gate and good cry. Some may not know you well at all even, some for years, but something makes them intuit what you need more than anything in the world at the time. These people pull you through, a little at a time with out them ever really knowing how much it means to you.
I am so thankful for these people.
I am so thankful for you.
- Epicurus
"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."
- Henri Nouwen
"The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?"
-Eugene Kennedy
I have always believed that things happen for a reason.
That people fall into your life for a reason, sometimes stay for a few minutes, years or a life time and are exactly what you need at the moment.
Those are the people that shape you. Those are the people to be thankful for. They are miraculous blessings.
They know just when you will need so many things; Ben & Jerry's at midnight, song lyric that fit how you feel that day, a quote that makes you laugh, a note on your desk, a card in the mail, an email sent at 1am, a sit on your tail gate and good cry. Some may not know you well at all even, some for years, but something makes them intuit what you need more than anything in the world at the time. These people pull you through, a little at a time with out them ever really knowing how much it means to you.
I am so thankful for these people.
I am so thankful for you.
Friday, April 24, 2009
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