Friends

"It is not so much our friends' help that helps us, as the confidence of their help."
- Epicurus

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."
- Henri Nouwen

"The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?"
-Eugene Kennedy

I have always believed that things happen for a reason.
That people fall into your life for a reason, sometimes stay for a few minutes, years or a life time and are exactly what you need at the moment.
Those are the people that shape you. Those are the people to be thankful for. They are miraculous blessings.
They know just when you will need so many things; Ben & Jerry's at midnight, song lyric that fit how you feel that day, a quote that makes you laugh, a note on your desk, a card in the mail, an email sent at 1am, a sit on your tail gate and good cry. Some may not know you well at all even, some for years, but something makes them intuit what you need more than anything in the world at the time. These people pull you through, a little at a time with out them ever really knowing how much it means to you.
I am so thankful for these people.
I am so thankful for you.

Miri's Seniors

What I've been doing these days....

The small things, that are the big things, mostly.

My family, I miss them so much. I long for the chaos of all of those girls and kids every where. I love it when I have it. They know you, the you that would embarrass you in front of so many others, but is you, unvarnished. Time spent in the silly rituals that made you who you are, but that you hid from as a teenager and would mean so much less to an outsider, I suspect , but makes it yours, your family, your life. I love them, all so different but so important for that. Each one of them is so beautiful to me with all of their unique attributes.

I'm having fun.

I am living again, finally.

It's like air to someone recently, nearly drown.

I can breath again.

I can be myself, Oreo's and all.

Pieces of Good

This will only go away with time, but it will stop hurting as bad.
Good advice. I know its true, I wish I could fast forward sometimes.
Right now feels comparable to working for years to put together a puzzle, with many small pieces and dropping it, having it break apart and starting over. Right now I am looking at all the tiny pieces, examining the details, looking which place they belong. Everyday I look for a piece with a little bit of happiness on it, and when I find it, turning it over and over, holding it for a while examining it for it's meaning.
Here is a few pieces of that kind that I have found lately....The really good ones.....

Something

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

-alan cohen


No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.

-alice walker



I know, I know. More quotes.
Its not that I havn't written anything at all, I have alot. It's just that that may all get burned in a bon fire someday sooner than later I think.

Marriage has it's own internal language that is no one else's business, they wouldn't understand it anyway. If you have ever been married for any amount of time you know that.
You can point the blame in ether way you want, probably depending on who of us you are related to, but it will not take back time. The best thing we can do now is heal, and take care of Cole. The one thing I ask all friends and family; never, talk bad about Jason or I in front of Cole, ever. I will do the same respect. You may take it as a slight on us, but you will only hurt him. Keep that in mind.

Jason did what he did, for reasons I will never understand, but that, I do not have to live with. I do not want to be loved like that, if it is even called that. It is far to irreparable and painful. Also, me leaving does not mean that I wanted to all along, but some actions can't be taken back. When I think of that day and why I can't write down what happened, (saying it is one thing, people can forget and distance themselves from there own words) is because it is to gruesome, too crushing. Writing it down would make it more real.

Maybe someday I will try; then burn that too.

Not much to say.....

Not much to say now. Don’t know what to say, so I will borrow someone else’s.

The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.
William James

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
Anton Chekhov

A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.
John Steinbeck

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.
Paul Sweeney

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Mignon McLaughlin

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
Jean Kerr

Take a Picture

He keeps telling me to; "go take pictures; it always makes you feel better.’ I want to take down our pictures, burn them (I have a few, it was fun) I don’t want this on film, or SD card. I want to erase this whole year from my memory, and would if I could get rid of just one in the process….I like pictures, but of things beautiful, like she was, and I can’t think of that…
He says "we can work this out, I will change, what ever you want, we can fix this"
I didn’t think it was that broken until 11 days, 8 hours, 12 minutes ago. Was I so blind?
He says "what about Cole? Think of him." I think "Um, excuse me? Did you?"
How do you forgive this? You can’t forget it. How do you move on from here?
I am so lost, this is so hard. Thank you for every one’s support. I need you.
The one person that knew me best, threw me away. Now wants to pick me back out of the garbage and brush me off. I don’t know what to make of this. I try not to treat my friends like that or I don’t call them friend. So how?…never mind.
I dreamed today, she was still acting like my friend….I couldn’t understand how she could. It woke me up. She woke me up again. I wish she would stop, it makes me sick.
I love him, I will miss him so much. But, I don’t think I can forgive this. I don’t know if I can be his wife after this. I wouldn’t respect some one that would, so how could I respect my self if I did?
He is reading now, all the books you read when there are troubles; you know the kind, they are many. It feels like looking at the play-by-play of a car wreck…So that’s how they died? Not so much a hope.
Now he wants to try. I want to scream, "TAKE IT BACK" until he can, take a sledge hammer to the walls of our home, well, house just a house. I want a reset button. If I could go back in time, I would say to my self to stay in every New Years especially 2000, and learn to be patient, and more independent, and what love means, and find my self before him, or just stay away.