Take a Picture

He keeps telling me to; "go take pictures; it always makes you feel better.’ I want to take down our pictures, burn them (I have a few, it was fun) I don’t want this on film, or SD card. I want to erase this whole year from my memory, and would if I could get rid of just one in the process….I like pictures, but of things beautiful, like she was, and I can’t think of that…
He says "we can work this out, I will change, what ever you want, we can fix this"
I didn’t think it was that broken until 11 days, 8 hours, 12 minutes ago. Was I so blind?
He says "what about Cole? Think of him." I think "Um, excuse me? Did you?"
How do you forgive this? You can’t forget it. How do you move on from here?
I am so lost, this is so hard. Thank you for every one’s support. I need you.
The one person that knew me best, threw me away. Now wants to pick me back out of the garbage and brush me off. I don’t know what to make of this. I try not to treat my friends like that or I don’t call them friend. So how?…never mind.
I dreamed today, she was still acting like my friend….I couldn’t understand how she could. It woke me up. She woke me up again. I wish she would stop, it makes me sick.
I love him, I will miss him so much. But, I don’t think I can forgive this. I don’t know if I can be his wife after this. I wouldn’t respect some one that would, so how could I respect my self if I did?
He is reading now, all the books you read when there are troubles; you know the kind, they are many. It feels like looking at the play-by-play of a car wreck…So that’s how they died? Not so much a hope.
Now he wants to try. I want to scream, "TAKE IT BACK" until he can, take a sledge hammer to the walls of our home, well, house just a house. I want a reset button. If I could go back in time, I would say to my self to stay in every New Years especially 2000, and learn to be patient, and more independent, and what love means, and find my self before him, or just stay away.

You must eat so many lemons!

Trev. Got here today. My calm little brother. I need that. Yesterday was bad, dark, ugly, mourning him. Today, I got to smile a little….Helps thinking about all the horrible things I can do to my wedding dress (thanks Kell.) It’s better than thinking about other things. Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda, Willa, Howa, I Donnoa.. A day at a time, a minute at a time on bad days, and a few days at a time on good ones. I just have to learn from this.

A few months ago, I heard a song. About a fight, and Jason and I laughed because it sounded just like one of the biggest that we had had before now. One of the lines said “you must eat so many lemons, because you are so bitter” I just need to find sweetener right? That can't be so hard. I can do that. Who doesn’t like lemonade right?

Quote

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.
~Anais Nin~

Happy Anniversary February 23, 2002

Have you ever felt your hear break? It’s like a vacuum. It is the heaviest and emptiest feeling put together. I loved him. I wasn’t always perfect, but I loved him. I can be opinionated and moody. But, why? Why this? Did he think I deserve it? Did he hate me that much? Or did he think? My life has centered around him. All my thoughts are accented with what would he think about this? What is my center now? I’m not the first wife to have this happen. But the day before your anniversary? I want to run away from this, but I know that a change of scenery will not cause history to change. If you want to undo 8 years as fast a possible you do what he did, what I heard, what I saw. I lay in our bed alone last night; I wanted to just hold his hand while I fell asleep one more time. It’s like a death, sudden, unfair, and ruthless. The thought of it follows you every where but sleep. Sleep is its own cruelty, in turn, by letting you dream it’s different and waking up to remember again. I will get through, me and Cole. I can’t let him see me cry like this; even thought part of it is for him. Dad’s not there to read his book, put him to bed, ask us “mommy I love you, Daddy I love you. Mommy do you love Daddy? Daddy do you love Mommy?” What will Jason tell him? I will miss my husband, my friend, our family, our life, more than you know. But how can I live with him after this?

Auto Museum

We went to the Auto Museum in Sacramento this weekend (free museum day in Sac.) We had lots of fun looking at all the old, odd and cool cars. Every thing from the first model T’s to a Delorian. The old modified trucks that had been turned into produce delivery trucks and a Coke delivery model A where some of the coolest ones to see. Cole loved the race cars, and Jason spent a lot of time looking at the section of ’50-’70 cars (I know, big shock)

Horses

Another Sad Country Song I Love

Shuttin' Detroit Down

Written By: John Rich


My daddy taught me that in this country everyone’s the same
You work hard for your dollar and you never pass the blame
When it don’t go your way
Now I see all these big shots whinin’ on my evening news
About how they’re losin’ billions and how it’s up to me and you
To come running to the rescue
Well pardon me if I don’t shed a tear ‘cause they’re selling make believe
And we don’t buy that here
Cause in the real world there shutting Detroit down
While the boss man takes his bonus pay and jets out of town/
And DC’s bailing out the bankers as the farmers auction ground,
Yeah while they’re living it up on Wall Street in that New York City town,
Here in the real world there shuttin’ Detroit down.
They’re shuttin’ Detroit down.”
Well that old man’s been workin’ in that plant most all of his life
Now his pension plan’s been cut in half and he can’t afford to die
And it’s a crying shame, ‘cause he ain’t the one to blame
When I look down and see his caloused hands,
Let me tell you friend it gets me fightin’ mad
Cause in the real world there shutting Detroit down
While the boss man takes his bonus pay and jets out of town/
And DC’s bailing out the bankers as the farmers auction ground,
Yeah while they’re living it up on Wall Street in that New York City town,
Here in the real world there shuttin’ Detroit down.
They’re shuttin’ Detroit down.”

Yeah while there’ living it up on Wall Street in that New York City town
Here in the real world there shuttin’ Detroit down
Here in the real world there shuttin’ Detroit down
In the real world they’re shuttin Detroit down, they’re shuttin’ Detroit down.