Lessons

At times the lessons you learn are so defined, harsh, you do take note and not just react to them. I am learning a few. Here are some of them:

1) Once two parents are no longer together, everything that goes wrong with the child, no matter how subtle, is automatically blamed on the opposite parent. Even the “normal” kid things that every parent/ parents would have to work through otherwise. However it is a huge cop-out to pass blame to the other parents influence.
2) Sex has amazing destructive abilities.
3) Narcissists will never admit wrong doing. It’s the nature of the beast.
4) Someone who married you can take advantage and manipulate you ruthlessly.
5) Its just money.
6) Dirty little party sluts will always be, so please don’t give your girls Daddy issues early on, they go on to, well you know. Thanks Lisa Mahaffee. ( And yes, I will continue repeating her name and still wish her all the worst. What kind of person hangs out with you and your kid one weekend and F’s your husband in the next room the next. I’m sure Dante described a location for you in his book.)
7) Bitterness isn’t always there, but it creeps in and stings harshly and then leaves again for a while.
8) How much people lie, without remorse.
9) Sometimes people show up in your, and save you (white horse, Prince Charming, flowers at work, hold you when you cry, friends and family think you have deserved this good for a long time and don’t care about the timing) style. (Thanks Jeff!)
10) Never spoil your children; they will expect the same of their spouses.
11)I am the girl in the relationship, so why the hell did I get the “if you hadn’t been working so much, I wouldn’t have cheated on you because you would have been spending more time with me” So, the lesson, fall in love with someone who values hard work, not resents it.
12) Pick your child’s father well; someday you too could be paying him child support.
13) When you don’t have enough money to feed your child, no worries, just go get a tattoo to remind you how much you love him, and then a new 8GIG Nano IPod to drown out the guilt and it will be ok.
15)It should take as much time and money to marry as to divorce, it would leave so much less room for the, “I would have told you before we got married about that prostate but you would have left me”
16) Never marry the guy your Dad says “please tell me you aren’t hanging around him” the first time he meets him or the one his parents say “you are the only thing that keeps him in line” You can only “keep someone in line", for so long. Free will prevails.
17) True happiness, and long marriages are so valued and celebrated, because they are rare.

Photos

So, I sware I will write something later! But for now, you get my favorite photos and an intro to Jeff and Clayton.

Friends

"It is not so much our friends' help that helps us, as the confidence of their help."
- Epicurus

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."
- Henri Nouwen

"The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?"
-Eugene Kennedy

I have always believed that things happen for a reason.
That people fall into your life for a reason, sometimes stay for a few minutes, years or a life time and are exactly what you need at the moment.
Those are the people that shape you. Those are the people to be thankful for. They are miraculous blessings.
They know just when you will need so many things; Ben & Jerry's at midnight, song lyric that fit how you feel that day, a quote that makes you laugh, a note on your desk, a card in the mail, an email sent at 1am, a sit on your tail gate and good cry. Some may not know you well at all even, some for years, but something makes them intuit what you need more than anything in the world at the time. These people pull you through, a little at a time with out them ever really knowing how much it means to you.
I am so thankful for these people.
I am so thankful for you.

Miri's Seniors

What I've been doing these days....

The small things, that are the big things, mostly.

My family, I miss them so much. I long for the chaos of all of those girls and kids every where. I love it when I have it. They know you, the you that would embarrass you in front of so many others, but is you, unvarnished. Time spent in the silly rituals that made you who you are, but that you hid from as a teenager and would mean so much less to an outsider, I suspect , but makes it yours, your family, your life. I love them, all so different but so important for that. Each one of them is so beautiful to me with all of their unique attributes.

I'm having fun.

I am living again, finally.

It's like air to someone recently, nearly drown.

I can breath again.

I can be myself, Oreo's and all.

Pieces of Good

This will only go away with time, but it will stop hurting as bad.
Good advice. I know its true, I wish I could fast forward sometimes.
Right now feels comparable to working for years to put together a puzzle, with many small pieces and dropping it, having it break apart and starting over. Right now I am looking at all the tiny pieces, examining the details, looking which place they belong. Everyday I look for a piece with a little bit of happiness on it, and when I find it, turning it over and over, holding it for a while examining it for it's meaning.
Here is a few pieces of that kind that I have found lately....The really good ones.....

Something

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

-alan cohen


No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.

-alice walker



I know, I know. More quotes.
Its not that I havn't written anything at all, I have alot. It's just that that may all get burned in a bon fire someday sooner than later I think.

Marriage has it's own internal language that is no one else's business, they wouldn't understand it anyway. If you have ever been married for any amount of time you know that.
You can point the blame in ether way you want, probably depending on who of us you are related to, but it will not take back time. The best thing we can do now is heal, and take care of Cole. The one thing I ask all friends and family; never, talk bad about Jason or I in front of Cole, ever. I will do the same respect. You may take it as a slight on us, but you will only hurt him. Keep that in mind.

Jason did what he did, for reasons I will never understand, but that, I do not have to live with. I do not want to be loved like that, if it is even called that. It is far to irreparable and painful. Also, me leaving does not mean that I wanted to all along, but some actions can't be taken back. When I think of that day and why I can't write down what happened, (saying it is one thing, people can forget and distance themselves from there own words) is because it is to gruesome, too crushing. Writing it down would make it more real.

Maybe someday I will try; then burn that too.