You must eat so many lemons!

Trev. Got here today. My calm little brother. I need that. Yesterday was bad, dark, ugly, mourning him. Today, I got to smile a little….Helps thinking about all the horrible things I can do to my wedding dress (thanks Kell.) It’s better than thinking about other things. Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda, Willa, Howa, I Donnoa.. A day at a time, a minute at a time on bad days, and a few days at a time on good ones. I just have to learn from this.

A few months ago, I heard a song. About a fight, and Jason and I laughed because it sounded just like one of the biggest that we had had before now. One of the lines said “you must eat so many lemons, because you are so bitter” I just need to find sweetener right? That can't be so hard. I can do that. Who doesn’t like lemonade right?

Quote

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.
~Anais Nin~

Happy Anniversary February 23, 2002

Have you ever felt your hear break? It’s like a vacuum. It is the heaviest and emptiest feeling put together. I loved him. I wasn’t always perfect, but I loved him. I can be opinionated and moody. But, why? Why this? Did he think I deserve it? Did he hate me that much? Or did he think? My life has centered around him. All my thoughts are accented with what would he think about this? What is my center now? I’m not the first wife to have this happen. But the day before your anniversary? I want to run away from this, but I know that a change of scenery will not cause history to change. If you want to undo 8 years as fast a possible you do what he did, what I heard, what I saw. I lay in our bed alone last night; I wanted to just hold his hand while I fell asleep one more time. It’s like a death, sudden, unfair, and ruthless. The thought of it follows you every where but sleep. Sleep is its own cruelty, in turn, by letting you dream it’s different and waking up to remember again. I will get through, me and Cole. I can’t let him see me cry like this; even thought part of it is for him. Dad’s not there to read his book, put him to bed, ask us “mommy I love you, Daddy I love you. Mommy do you love Daddy? Daddy do you love Mommy?” What will Jason tell him? I will miss my husband, my friend, our family, our life, more than you know. But how can I live with him after this?

Auto Museum

We went to the Auto Museum in Sacramento this weekend (free museum day in Sac.) We had lots of fun looking at all the old, odd and cool cars. Every thing from the first model T’s to a Delorian. The old modified trucks that had been turned into produce delivery trucks and a Coke delivery model A where some of the coolest ones to see. Cole loved the race cars, and Jason spent a lot of time looking at the section of ’50-’70 cars (I know, big shock)

Horses

Another Sad Country Song I Love

Shuttin' Detroit Down

Written By: John Rich


My daddy taught me that in this country everyone’s the same
You work hard for your dollar and you never pass the blame
When it don’t go your way
Now I see all these big shots whinin’ on my evening news
About how they’re losin’ billions and how it’s up to me and you
To come running to the rescue
Well pardon me if I don’t shed a tear ‘cause they’re selling make believe
And we don’t buy that here
Cause in the real world there shutting Detroit down
While the boss man takes his bonus pay and jets out of town/
And DC’s bailing out the bankers as the farmers auction ground,
Yeah while they’re living it up on Wall Street in that New York City town,
Here in the real world there shuttin’ Detroit down.
They’re shuttin’ Detroit down.”
Well that old man’s been workin’ in that plant most all of his life
Now his pension plan’s been cut in half and he can’t afford to die
And it’s a crying shame, ‘cause he ain’t the one to blame
When I look down and see his caloused hands,
Let me tell you friend it gets me fightin’ mad
Cause in the real world there shutting Detroit down
While the boss man takes his bonus pay and jets out of town/
And DC’s bailing out the bankers as the farmers auction ground,
Yeah while they’re living it up on Wall Street in that New York City town,
Here in the real world there shuttin’ Detroit down.
They’re shuttin’ Detroit down.”

Yeah while there’ living it up on Wall Street in that New York City town
Here in the real world there shuttin’ Detroit down
Here in the real world there shuttin’ Detroit down
In the real world they’re shuttin Detroit down, they’re shuttin’ Detroit down.

Today

They announced Friday morning via email that by the end of the day 200 of my co-workers would no longer be employed. The rest of the day everyone was on edge, wondering who would be the next to be tapped on the shoulder and called to the conference room. It was the worst game of duck, duck, goose I have ever seen. The day was spent with many of us in tears, saying good by to people we have worked with, many our friends. Some will be ok, some, well who knows. I don’t know what some will do. The ones who just lost parents, single parents, taking care of families. What will they do? I don’t know. I will miss them every day. Mostly Miss T and Dr McN.

I got my truck back it smells like laundry left in the wash too long. But, it has windows again. Something good.

Cole peed when he got up from his nap, I chewed him out a little for it and said “I should put him on time out for it” He said “ That’s crazy talk, mom!” I am still laughing. Another thing good.

We are going to try to save the house. I don’t know how. But we are trying. Jason has work for the next 45 days now anyway. And they are not going to announce another round of lay offs at my work for at least 3 months. But we are already behind. Food, or house payment? Pick one kiddo.