What People Say

I have noticed that the one thing that someone tells you when they are mad at you is, "well, people say about you (insert fault here)" I have kept many "well, people say about you's" to myself in the last six month to more than one person. I have noticed more and more that this is what is sticking to me, what I am up at four am thinking about, my reason for no longer calling so many people, for closing myself off so much. I have written at least five of these and never posted, because I have wondered if it is one of those people who will read it.

I know it shouldn't bother me.

But you see, I lost everything. I left with what I came with. things from childhood, and grandparents, things I hadn't unpacked in years, deposited money in his bank account to get him to his next check, and the couch. I did this so I wouldn't have to hear how dare I take too much. But, I have heard. I still hear from Cole how I stole his Daddy's couch and now I hear from Cole how I stole the house from him too. I hear about all the people that saw, and never told me for so long. And then, I lost people who used to be family and friends.

I have heard I am happy too soon (how dare I) But I am, not going to say sorry for that, and yes, I am happy with Jeff, so (gasp!) They see me in a relationship (too soon)
And then I hear how I should be 100% over the betrayals of years, yes, years. And the continual insult of paying for the needs of a child that I did not bring into this world by myself, or the bills that I did not create myself because he says he has no money to help. At the same time he stands on my poarch 3 hours late after another night with some girl from craigslist, and in a new hat and shoes listening to a new CD and telling Cole about his surfing trip. But, hush Jessie. Get over it.

You see, I don't know who to trust. I'm not sure I remember how to sometimes. I have heard so many lies about myself, and some truths that have all been intended to hurt. And they have been spread thick for effectiveness. All of this while I felt the most raw and vulnerable I hope I ever will endure.

People I used to count as friends? People who used to be my family? Someone I see in town? I don't know.

So, if I am not talking too much, that may be why. I might be a little scared sometimes, because I can't be perfect.