I have noticed that the one thing that someone tells you when they are mad at you is, "well, people say about you (insert fault here)" I have kept many "well, people say about you's" to myself in the last six month to more than one person. I have noticed more and more that this is what is sticking to me, what I am up at four am thinking about, my reason for no longer calling so many people, for closing myself off so much. I have written at least five of these and never posted, because I have wondered if it is one of those people who will read it.
I know it shouldn't bother me.
But you see, I lost everything. I left with what I came with. things from childhood, and grandparents, things I hadn't unpacked in years, deposited money in his bank account to get him to his next check, and the couch. I did this so I wouldn't have to hear how dare I take too much. But, I have heard. I still hear from Cole how I stole his Daddy's couch and now I hear from Cole how I stole the house from him too. I hear about all the people that saw, and never told me for so long. And then, I lost people who used to be family and friends.
I have heard I am happy too soon (how dare I) But I am, not going to say sorry for that, and yes, I am happy with Jeff, so (gasp!) They see me in a relationship (too soon)
And then I hear how I should be 100% over the betrayals of years, yes, years. And the continual insult of paying for the needs of a child that I did not bring into this world by myself, or the bills that I did not create myself because he says he has no money to help. At the same time he stands on my poarch 3 hours late after another night with some girl from craigslist, and in a new hat and shoes listening to a new CD and telling Cole about his surfing trip. But, hush Jessie. Get over it.
You see, I don't know who to trust. I'm not sure I remember how to sometimes. I have heard so many lies about myself, and some truths that have all been intended to hurt. And they have been spread thick for effectiveness. All of this while I felt the most raw and vulnerable I hope I ever will endure.
People I used to count as friends? People who used to be my family? Someone I see in town? I don't know.
So, if I am not talking too much, that may be why. I might be a little scared sometimes, because I can't be perfect.
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Here's the thing, those are all just words. The people who are and will be there for you will show you with actions, you don't need to defend yourself or your reputation to the select few people that "actually" know you.
They already know that you are doing what you should have long ago (not talking about our relationship), you've been hurt time and time again and how much are you suppose to take? Back to words: look at where we live, I have been there done that. I am friends and/or relatives with more than half of this whole county and guess who came to get the "real" story from me.... Nobody most make it up as they go along, add spices to it for interest, but the people who care don't question they already know that you are wonderful. As far as 'us' I don't care how soon it was I already knew from day one that you were perfect and perfect for me, the thought never crossed my mind (ok maybe) about what people would think because there was no way I was going to let you go, It felt too right, too perfect, like fate if you will, I often think do these things happen for a reason? Even with all the pain endured on both our parts, was it supposed to happen this way? Whatever the explanation if there is one, I have never felt anything more right or imagined I would find someone like you and so like me to spend my life with.
Jessie O'Ferrall I love you like no other, and will always be there for you.
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