What People Say

I have noticed that the one thing that someone tells you when they are mad at you is, "well, people say about you (insert fault here)" I have kept many "well, people say about you's" to myself in the last six month to more than one person. I have noticed more and more that this is what is sticking to me, what I am up at four am thinking about, my reason for no longer calling so many people, for closing myself off so much. I have written at least five of these and never posted, because I have wondered if it is one of those people who will read it.

I know it shouldn't bother me.

But you see, I lost everything. I left with what I came with. things from childhood, and grandparents, things I hadn't unpacked in years, deposited money in his bank account to get him to his next check, and the couch. I did this so I wouldn't have to hear how dare I take too much. But, I have heard. I still hear from Cole how I stole his Daddy's couch and now I hear from Cole how I stole the house from him too. I hear about all the people that saw, and never told me for so long. And then, I lost people who used to be family and friends.

I have heard I am happy too soon (how dare I) But I am, not going to say sorry for that, and yes, I am happy with Jeff, so (gasp!) They see me in a relationship (too soon)
And then I hear how I should be 100% over the betrayals of years, yes, years. And the continual insult of paying for the needs of a child that I did not bring into this world by myself, or the bills that I did not create myself because he says he has no money to help. At the same time he stands on my poarch 3 hours late after another night with some girl from craigslist, and in a new hat and shoes listening to a new CD and telling Cole about his surfing trip. But, hush Jessie. Get over it.

You see, I don't know who to trust. I'm not sure I remember how to sometimes. I have heard so many lies about myself, and some truths that have all been intended to hurt. And they have been spread thick for effectiveness. All of this while I felt the most raw and vulnerable I hope I ever will endure.

People I used to count as friends? People who used to be my family? Someone I see in town? I don't know.

So, if I am not talking too much, that may be why. I might be a little scared sometimes, because I can't be perfect.

Something I Have Wanted

My new name, my new logo, my new start. I'm doing all of it.

Lessons

At times the lessons you learn are so defined, harsh, you do take note and not just react to them. I am learning a few. Here are some of them:

1) Once two parents are no longer together, everything that goes wrong with the child, no matter how subtle, is automatically blamed on the opposite parent. Even the “normal” kid things that every parent/ parents would have to work through otherwise. However it is a huge cop-out to pass blame to the other parents influence.
2) Sex has amazing destructive abilities.
3) Narcissists will never admit wrong doing. It’s the nature of the beast.
4) Someone who married you can take advantage and manipulate you ruthlessly.
5) Its just money.
6) Dirty little party sluts will always be, so please don’t give your girls Daddy issues early on, they go on to, well you know. Thanks Lisa Mahaffee. ( And yes, I will continue repeating her name and still wish her all the worst. What kind of person hangs out with you and your kid one weekend and F’s your husband in the next room the next. I’m sure Dante described a location for you in his book.)
7) Bitterness isn’t always there, but it creeps in and stings harshly and then leaves again for a while.
8) How much people lie, without remorse.
9) Sometimes people show up in your, and save you (white horse, Prince Charming, flowers at work, hold you when you cry, friends and family think you have deserved this good for a long time and don’t care about the timing) style. (Thanks Jeff!)
10) Never spoil your children; they will expect the same of their spouses.
11)I am the girl in the relationship, so why the hell did I get the “if you hadn’t been working so much, I wouldn’t have cheated on you because you would have been spending more time with me” So, the lesson, fall in love with someone who values hard work, not resents it.
12) Pick your child’s father well; someday you too could be paying him child support.
13) When you don’t have enough money to feed your child, no worries, just go get a tattoo to remind you how much you love him, and then a new 8GIG Nano IPod to drown out the guilt and it will be ok.
15)It should take as much time and money to marry as to divorce, it would leave so much less room for the, “I would have told you before we got married about that prostate but you would have left me”
16) Never marry the guy your Dad says “please tell me you aren’t hanging around him” the first time he meets him or the one his parents say “you are the only thing that keeps him in line” You can only “keep someone in line", for so long. Free will prevails.
17) True happiness, and long marriages are so valued and celebrated, because they are rare.

Photos

So, I sware I will write something later! But for now, you get my favorite photos and an intro to Jeff and Clayton.

Friends

"It is not so much our friends' help that helps us, as the confidence of their help."
- Epicurus

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."
- Henri Nouwen

"The real test of friendship is: can you literally do nothing with the other person? Can you enjoy those moments of life that are utterly simple?"
-Eugene Kennedy

I have always believed that things happen for a reason.
That people fall into your life for a reason, sometimes stay for a few minutes, years or a life time and are exactly what you need at the moment.
Those are the people that shape you. Those are the people to be thankful for. They are miraculous blessings.
They know just when you will need so many things; Ben & Jerry's at midnight, song lyric that fit how you feel that day, a quote that makes you laugh, a note on your desk, a card in the mail, an email sent at 1am, a sit on your tail gate and good cry. Some may not know you well at all even, some for years, but something makes them intuit what you need more than anything in the world at the time. These people pull you through, a little at a time with out them ever really knowing how much it means to you.
I am so thankful for these people.
I am so thankful for you.

Miri's Seniors

What I've been doing these days....

The small things, that are the big things, mostly.

My family, I miss them so much. I long for the chaos of all of those girls and kids every where. I love it when I have it. They know you, the you that would embarrass you in front of so many others, but is you, unvarnished. Time spent in the silly rituals that made you who you are, but that you hid from as a teenager and would mean so much less to an outsider, I suspect , but makes it yours, your family, your life. I love them, all so different but so important for that. Each one of them is so beautiful to me with all of their unique attributes.

I'm having fun.

I am living again, finally.

It's like air to someone recently, nearly drown.

I can breath again.

I can be myself, Oreo's and all.

Pieces of Good

This will only go away with time, but it will stop hurting as bad.
Good advice. I know its true, I wish I could fast forward sometimes.
Right now feels comparable to working for years to put together a puzzle, with many small pieces and dropping it, having it break apart and starting over. Right now I am looking at all the tiny pieces, examining the details, looking which place they belong. Everyday I look for a piece with a little bit of happiness on it, and when I find it, turning it over and over, holding it for a while examining it for it's meaning.
Here is a few pieces of that kind that I have found lately....The really good ones.....

Something

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.

-alan cohen


No person is your friend who demands your silence, or denies your right to grow.

-alice walker



I know, I know. More quotes.
Its not that I havn't written anything at all, I have alot. It's just that that may all get burned in a bon fire someday sooner than later I think.

Marriage has it's own internal language that is no one else's business, they wouldn't understand it anyway. If you have ever been married for any amount of time you know that.
You can point the blame in ether way you want, probably depending on who of us you are related to, but it will not take back time. The best thing we can do now is heal, and take care of Cole. The one thing I ask all friends and family; never, talk bad about Jason or I in front of Cole, ever. I will do the same respect. You may take it as a slight on us, but you will only hurt him. Keep that in mind.

Jason did what he did, for reasons I will never understand, but that, I do not have to live with. I do not want to be loved like that, if it is even called that. It is far to irreparable and painful. Also, me leaving does not mean that I wanted to all along, but some actions can't be taken back. When I think of that day and why I can't write down what happened, (saying it is one thing, people can forget and distance themselves from there own words) is because it is to gruesome, too crushing. Writing it down would make it more real.

Maybe someday I will try; then burn that too.

Not much to say.....

Not much to say now. Don’t know what to say, so I will borrow someone else’s.

The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.
William James

All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
Anton Chekhov

A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.
John Steinbeck

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year.
Paul Sweeney

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Mignon McLaughlin

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
Jean Kerr

Take a Picture

He keeps telling me to; "go take pictures; it always makes you feel better.’ I want to take down our pictures, burn them (I have a few, it was fun) I don’t want this on film, or SD card. I want to erase this whole year from my memory, and would if I could get rid of just one in the process….I like pictures, but of things beautiful, like she was, and I can’t think of that…
He says "we can work this out, I will change, what ever you want, we can fix this"
I didn’t think it was that broken until 11 days, 8 hours, 12 minutes ago. Was I so blind?
He says "what about Cole? Think of him." I think "Um, excuse me? Did you?"
How do you forgive this? You can’t forget it. How do you move on from here?
I am so lost, this is so hard. Thank you for every one’s support. I need you.
The one person that knew me best, threw me away. Now wants to pick me back out of the garbage and brush me off. I don’t know what to make of this. I try not to treat my friends like that or I don’t call them friend. So how?…never mind.
I dreamed today, she was still acting like my friend….I couldn’t understand how she could. It woke me up. She woke me up again. I wish she would stop, it makes me sick.
I love him, I will miss him so much. But, I don’t think I can forgive this. I don’t know if I can be his wife after this. I wouldn’t respect some one that would, so how could I respect my self if I did?
He is reading now, all the books you read when there are troubles; you know the kind, they are many. It feels like looking at the play-by-play of a car wreck…So that’s how they died? Not so much a hope.
Now he wants to try. I want to scream, "TAKE IT BACK" until he can, take a sledge hammer to the walls of our home, well, house just a house. I want a reset button. If I could go back in time, I would say to my self to stay in every New Years especially 2000, and learn to be patient, and more independent, and what love means, and find my self before him, or just stay away.

You must eat so many lemons!

Trev. Got here today. My calm little brother. I need that. Yesterday was bad, dark, ugly, mourning him. Today, I got to smile a little….Helps thinking about all the horrible things I can do to my wedding dress (thanks Kell.) It’s better than thinking about other things. Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda, Willa, Howa, I Donnoa.. A day at a time, a minute at a time on bad days, and a few days at a time on good ones. I just have to learn from this.

A few months ago, I heard a song. About a fight, and Jason and I laughed because it sounded just like one of the biggest that we had had before now. One of the lines said “you must eat so many lemons, because you are so bitter” I just need to find sweetener right? That can't be so hard. I can do that. Who doesn’t like lemonade right?

Quote

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.
~Anais Nin~

Happy Anniversary February 23, 2002

Have you ever felt your hear break? It’s like a vacuum. It is the heaviest and emptiest feeling put together. I loved him. I wasn’t always perfect, but I loved him. I can be opinionated and moody. But, why? Why this? Did he think I deserve it? Did he hate me that much? Or did he think? My life has centered around him. All my thoughts are accented with what would he think about this? What is my center now? I’m not the first wife to have this happen. But the day before your anniversary? I want to run away from this, but I know that a change of scenery will not cause history to change. If you want to undo 8 years as fast a possible you do what he did, what I heard, what I saw. I lay in our bed alone last night; I wanted to just hold his hand while I fell asleep one more time. It’s like a death, sudden, unfair, and ruthless. The thought of it follows you every where but sleep. Sleep is its own cruelty, in turn, by letting you dream it’s different and waking up to remember again. I will get through, me and Cole. I can’t let him see me cry like this; even thought part of it is for him. Dad’s not there to read his book, put him to bed, ask us “mommy I love you, Daddy I love you. Mommy do you love Daddy? Daddy do you love Mommy?” What will Jason tell him? I will miss my husband, my friend, our family, our life, more than you know. But how can I live with him after this?

Auto Museum

We went to the Auto Museum in Sacramento this weekend (free museum day in Sac.) We had lots of fun looking at all the old, odd and cool cars. Every thing from the first model T’s to a Delorian. The old modified trucks that had been turned into produce delivery trucks and a Coke delivery model A where some of the coolest ones to see. Cole loved the race cars, and Jason spent a lot of time looking at the section of ’50-’70 cars (I know, big shock)

Horses

Another Sad Country Song I Love

Shuttin' Detroit Down

Written By: John Rich


My daddy taught me that in this country everyone’s the same
You work hard for your dollar and you never pass the blame
When it don’t go your way
Now I see all these big shots whinin’ on my evening news
About how they’re losin’ billions and how it’s up to me and you
To come running to the rescue
Well pardon me if I don’t shed a tear ‘cause they’re selling make believe
And we don’t buy that here
Cause in the real world there shutting Detroit down
While the boss man takes his bonus pay and jets out of town/
And DC’s bailing out the bankers as the farmers auction ground,
Yeah while they’re living it up on Wall Street in that New York City town,
Here in the real world there shuttin’ Detroit down.
They’re shuttin’ Detroit down.”
Well that old man’s been workin’ in that plant most all of his life
Now his pension plan’s been cut in half and he can’t afford to die
And it’s a crying shame, ‘cause he ain’t the one to blame
When I look down and see his caloused hands,
Let me tell you friend it gets me fightin’ mad
Cause in the real world there shutting Detroit down
While the boss man takes his bonus pay and jets out of town/
And DC’s bailing out the bankers as the farmers auction ground,
Yeah while they’re living it up on Wall Street in that New York City town,
Here in the real world there shuttin’ Detroit down.
They’re shuttin’ Detroit down.”

Yeah while there’ living it up on Wall Street in that New York City town
Here in the real world there shuttin’ Detroit down
Here in the real world there shuttin’ Detroit down
In the real world they’re shuttin Detroit down, they’re shuttin’ Detroit down.

Today

They announced Friday morning via email that by the end of the day 200 of my co-workers would no longer be employed. The rest of the day everyone was on edge, wondering who would be the next to be tapped on the shoulder and called to the conference room. It was the worst game of duck, duck, goose I have ever seen. The day was spent with many of us in tears, saying good by to people we have worked with, many our friends. Some will be ok, some, well who knows. I don’t know what some will do. The ones who just lost parents, single parents, taking care of families. What will they do? I don’t know. I will miss them every day. Mostly Miss T and Dr McN.

I got my truck back it smells like laundry left in the wash too long. But, it has windows again. Something good.

Cole peed when he got up from his nap, I chewed him out a little for it and said “I should put him on time out for it” He said “ That’s crazy talk, mom!” I am still laughing. Another thing good.

We are going to try to save the house. I don’t know how. But we are trying. Jason has work for the next 45 days now anyway. And they are not going to announce another round of lay offs at my work for at least 3 months. But we are already behind. Food, or house payment? Pick one kiddo.

In The Back Seat of a '65 Chevy

There is nothing like an old car to give you an itch in the creative part of your brain, a cool old car makes you feel so far to dorky you arrived back at cool. It’s like watching your favorite old scratchy movie. I love it.

Just Cuz My Photoshop is fixed

I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.

Thomas A. Edison

Memory lane today

I laughed to my self today, and wondered how many little boys discover the same way to play “cowboys” with their horses and shot glasses full of grape juice? It instantly made me picture Trevor and Kevin in their little black hats sitting at Grandma’s parlor table, finding their own “guy” way to have fun with all the girls swarming around. They couldn’t have been much older than this.

My Truck, now WHAT!!!

I got my truck towed out of the ice patch it was stuck in, but a bit too late. Some one had already had their fun breaking the windows, mirrors, smashing in the door and stole my tail lights and umbrella. A friend told me today “when it rains it pours” I replied with “well then, can I borrow your umbrella? Mine got stolen.” My dad went with me armed with chocolate (how did he know I would need it) He was not happy. This was the first nice truck he bought, maybe ever. I bought it from him a year ago. I think it upset him as much as it did me to see it in such a way. Why would you do that to someone? Did they stop to think what my life is like? Who I am? How much this would cost me? How much I love my truck? I don’t understand? Good thing I detailed my truck last week.

Oh yeah, can you loan me an umbrella? Looks like we may be in for bad weather for some time.

Red Shoes

These are my favorite shoes in the whole world. The ones I would ware every day if it wouldn’t make me seem too odd. First; because they are comfortable; second because they are red which makes them the best. I have donned them with dresses both too dressy for them and not enough, my jeans and shorts, to the zoo and the county fair for Cole’s first carousel ride. Monday night they even walked me a few miles home after my truck got stuck in the snow. Dorothy had a pair much the same (only I have my doubts about how comfortable those could have been) but they took her home just the same. These will get me to where ever home is going to be too, and me and my shoes will have many more adventures with each other. We just are going to have to do more work than clicking our heels. Home is not only where the heart is, it’s where your favorite shoes are on the floor most, right?

Blur

This whole year or more has been a blur. A blur of exhaustion, over time, dashed hopes and lost job opportunities for both Jason and I. It has been like rock climbing until you realize the rock you are using as a hand hold, isn’t attached to anything.
There is so much comfort in familiarity; we are talking about loosing all familiarity. I have two options; try to keep what we have and loose even more time with my son and it still may not be enough in the long run, or give up everything we have and try to make it better in the future? Hmmmmmmm…. But it is still scary, sad and feels like a defeating waste. I want to scream, break down, QUIT! But I can’t.

Jason and Buddy B. went hunting last week, so we will have a good amount of meat in the fridge for a while. Love duck! Jason got his limit!